


Silent Dreams We Never Wake

by Stagcore



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: (not really but it's discussed briefly), Alec Lightwood & Catarina Loss Friendship, Canon Compliant, Canon Dialogue, Crying Alec Lightwood, Doctor Catarina Loss, Episode: s03e16 Stay With Me, Good Friend Catarina Loss, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-05
Updated: 2019-04-05
Packaged: 2020-01-05 05:48:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18359873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stagcore/pseuds/Stagcore
Summary: (Yes, the title is taken from a My Chemical Romance song :) )





	Silent Dreams We Never Wake

Alec rubs at his eyes angrily, the dark backs of his eyelids decorated with explosions of colour, wishing with everything that he has in him and then some that this is just a nightmare. A terrifying, paralysing nightmare and when he wakes up he will be in Magnus' arms. In Magnus' flat with Chairman Meow dozing lazily in the corner and the morning sunlight dancing through the half closed curtains, decorating the room in a beautiful golden glow. 

His chair is hard underneath him and he curls himself up like he did when he was a child, when he wanted to disappear and sink right through the soft material of his bed. Wrapping an arm around his drawn up legs, Alec wishes and hopes and at some point he started praying. 

Shadowhunters believe in angels, yes. But not all of them believe in a God and despite the many demons that they devoted their whole, often very short lives to killing and banishing, not all of them believed in a Hell. Well, at least not in the biblical sense. 

Every one of the soft beeps of the machines beside him and Magnus serve to remind him that, no. This is not a nightmare. No matter how much he hopes and prays and wishes, every beep of the machines hammer down any hope he has of being able to wake up from this. 

"Magnus, I... I don't know if you can hear me." He feels oddly intrusive and stupid for interrupting the near silence of the room and his words sound some how artificial to his own ears so much so that he just wants to curl up even tighter, squeeze his eyes shut and join his boyfriend in the dark, nothingness. _i love you, I love you, I love you, I love you..._ has been a constant ringing in his head for the six or so hours since they started when Magnus had first collapsed like church bells. 

Alec takes a deep breath, hoping that if he does so that the room would no longer feel like it is void of oxygen. 

"But this is my fault," he says with a thick swallow. Tears brimming in his eyes. " I was selfish. When you first lost your powers and you said you were okay with it, I... I didn't think twice..." Alec tries not to focus on how pale Magnus looked. How bare his fingers were without the usual flashy rings that covered nearly every finger. He had become okay with living with Magnus to the day he died but Magnus dying before him never crossed his mind. Magnus was always so brilliant and full of life and the thought made something stick heavy and fat in his throat. Pushing those thoughts from his mind, Alec carried on, despite knowing that if Magnus could hear him he would wrap him up and tell him that, no, it was not his fault. But Magnus couldn't do that, because it truly was Alec's fault. Because Alec was at least half the reason why he was sat in that bed in the infirmary attached to so many machines that Alec lost track of what wire did what and what machine was responsible for what. 

"I guess I was just so happy that maybe we could..." There is that lump again. Ready to choke him. "Grow old together." He's aware that his tears are falling on his lap, staining his dark jeans with even darker spots. His nails dig into his palms and Alec knows that if he could leave the bedside he would run straight back to his blades or to punching the punching bag so much his knuckles bled and looked an angry, painful, bruised purple and blue. Magus would have hated the fact that Alec was even thinking of such things. 

Swallowing thickly again, attempting to move the concrete lump that's made residence in his throat, Alec silently bargains with himself. If Magnus did di- never come back, then he can relapse as much as he wants. That seemed fair to him.

The panic is filling back into his lungs and he breathes in heavily through his nose, trying to force down the impending panic attack for just a little longer. He can't fall apart, not now. Not whilst Magnus needed him.

"I guess I just didn't realise, deep down, how much you were suffering." And that's the truth, isn't it? Because Alec woke up every single day with his boyfriend in his arms and never realised the empty stares at the other side of the wall. He never noticed the sadness that sat just beside his eyes. He didn't listen when Magnus said he wasn't sure that living surrounded by Shadowhunters was the best thing. He didn't listen!

Digging his nails in to his palms more forcefully, Alec willed himself to stop thinking, knowing that there wasn't anything he could do now. _I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry_

"Magnus, I love you. More than anyone in the world, and I am so sorry. I'm sorry" He can hear the clip clack of shoes on the tiles floor and he stops, wipes at his eyes and tries to put the mask back on over his face. He was the head of the New York Institute for God's sake. But you are also human A voice that sounded like Magnus' sounded in the back of his head. Bringing tears to his eyes once more.

"May I come in?" It's Catarina, the only person in the whole universe that loves Magnus as much as Alec did.

"Yeah," He's surprised at how sure he sounded. Years of practice at pretending he was alright when he was on the urge of breaking down showed that he still got it. The brave mask of a soldier never slipped or failed him. He made sure of that years ago.

"Did you manage to make contact with the people at the spiral labyrinth?" His voice is rough to his own ears and it makes him wince. How long had it been since he drank anything?

"Yes," Catarina responds and Alec feels the air rush from his lungs."I shared the test results, and he agreed. Magnus' body is rejecting Lorenzo's magic."

"Rejecting? What do you mean?" He looks back to where Magnus is lying. As if he could see the lines of poisonous magic running in his veins.

"Think of it like a failing organ transplant. Each time Magnus preforms a spell, it puts a tremendous strain on his body. He got lucky this time. He will regain consciousness. But if he uses magic again, even for something small, he may not survive."

_he's going to be okay, he's going to be okay, he's going to be okay, he's going to be okay..._

"Why can't you just fix him?" Alec keeps his voice under control but he wants to scream. "Why can't you just take Lorenzo's magic out?" It's not fair, he knows it's not fair to be forceful with Catarina but right now he's yoyo-ing between wanted to cry and wanting to hurt himself or Lorenzo.

"I wish I could," The tears in her eyes tells him that she's not lying. "The only one who can reverse the transfer is the person who gave it to him"

"Lorenzo did this on purpose." He wants to pace, he needs to pace to stop himself from falling apart in front of Catarina, not that she would mind or blame him. He's pretty sure that his palms are bruised and bleeding where his nails have broken the skin.

"There's no way he could have planned it." Catarina tries to reason but Alec doesn't care if he did plan it or not, he just wants an excuse to scream. To make Lorenzo pay. "With magic transfusions, there's always this possibility."

"No," Alec attempts to swallow past the lump in his throat for the one hundredth time "He knew how desperate Magnus was. He took advantage of him. I'm not going to let the son of a bitch get away with it!" He can't take it any longer, he moves to storm out of the room but Catarina stops him and he can't tell whether or not he is thankful or annoyed. He wants to hurt Lorenzo but without going through the proper channels he would be breaking the accords and severing whatever connection he has built with the down world. He'd lose his job and he may even start a war.

"You need to settle down" Catarina half whispers half shouts. "What's the shadowhunter saying? "Emotions cloud judgement"? You lose your temper with Lorenzo, he'll have less incentive to help. Like it or not, Lorenzo Rey is Magnus' only hope." And with that she walked away, leaving Alec alone in the shiny, sterile room to think. 


End file.
